MENLO PARK, Calif. (The Borowitz Report)—After Facebook’s shares plummeted in after-hours trading today, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg issued the following personal letter to all nine hundred million Facebook users: http://nyr.kr/MN1Pek
“Facebook only makes money if people click on its ads. Do you know what Facebook ads are? They’re those things on your Facebook page that you have never clicked on even once.
But at Facebook we’re looking to change that. After doing extensive market research, we learned that there is one time when people actually do click on Facebook ads: when they’re drunk. This is the same business model that iTunes is based on. I’m sure a few of you have had the experience of using Facebook late at night, only to wake up and find that you’ve gotten seven auto-insurance quotes or enrolled as a criminal-justice major at the University of Phoenix.
Why am I sharing this information with you? Simple. If you want to save Facebook—and I know that you do—I need you to start drinking now.”