Mark Zuckerberg Asks Facebook Users to Save Facebook by Drinking

newyorker:

MENLO PARK, Calif. (The Borowitz Report)—After Facebook’s shares plummeted in after-hours trading today, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg issued the following personal letter to all nine hundred million Facebook users: http://nyr.kr/MN1Pek

“Facebook only makes money if people click on its ads. Do you know what Facebook ads are? They’re those things on your Facebook page that you have never clicked on even once.

But at Facebook we’re looking to change that. After doing extensive market research, we learned that there is one time when people actually do click on Facebook ads: when they’re drunk. This is the same business model that iTunes is based on. I’m sure a few of you have had the experience of using Facebook late at night, only to wake up and find that you’ve gotten seven auto-insurance quotes or enrolled as a criminal-justice major at the University of Phoenix.

Why am I sharing this information with you? Simple. If you want to save Facebook—and I know that you do—I need you to start drinking now.”

Wow… just… wow….

144 Notes/ Hide

  1. marlenamarie reblogged this from imnogoodwithnames
  2. yamfishdesigns reblogged this from newyorker
  3. mylifeinwords95 reblogged this from dashmetopieces
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  5. openairchrysalis reblogged this from newyorker
  6. daleyys reblogged this from newyorker
  7. nearer reblogged this from newyorker
  8. 007regina reblogged this from newyorker
  9. twowordcombo reblogged this from newyorker and added:
    weird.
  10. mens-dominatus-potentia reblogged this from newyorker and added:
    Oh Borowitz, you crack me up so bad.
  11. techausho reblogged this from newyorker and added:
    So hes bribing us ?????
  12. mimiorchdork reblogged this from newyorker
  13. fathomabledepths-deprecated reblogged this from newyorker
  14. raisaberger reblogged this from newyorker and added:
    This is retarded, but entertaining at that:
  15. kiirstnpagan reblogged this from newyorker
  16. glassbirdie reblogged this from newyorker
  17. lifestudio reblogged this from imnogoodwithnames and added:
    Hahahahah wtf what a sarcastic dick who feels superior to all of us. I love him.
  18. bkgurl reblogged this from newyorker and added:
    I’m cracking up!!
  19. olau reblogged this from newyorker
  20. gorgeousmedia reblogged this from newyorker
  21. goldchainsandshit reblogged this from newyorker and added:
    what a (rich) douchebag.
  22. weekendnihilist reblogged this from newyorker
  23. vickicaramante reblogged this from newyorker
  24. eat-pray-queeeef reblogged this from imnogoodwithnames and added:
    Well if he fucked over his partner im sure he’ll do the same.
  25. veelacharm reblogged this from newyorker

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